T(w)o years' end

Nothing more satisfying than an exhale

December 20, 2023

Haha. Confused.

Okay. I’m sitting here alone, in my living room, on the chair, typing on my computer with white wine and lychee in the glass, slightly buzzed wondering if my roach will do till tomorrow or if I need to go cop some more downstairs before they close at 11pm - its 9:23pm, with kiss Daniel in my ear listening to Fuck You the song I won’t take off repeat for a week in Cape Town with Ife, something which became her personal nightmare. So in my off time, I put on Ife’s nightmare for leisure.

I don’t know what to make of the year except I learnt what I seemingly learn every year, which is I can do anything I want. But I think this year was bigger than that in many ways.

Land linked soul - I will not lie I feel like what a zombie may feel like in the norm - less the dopamine infusing moments, I don’t belong however I’m exactly where I’m meant to be by all indication.

Every moment was dead but alive, flat but loaded. How are you feeling everything go through you, you can’t retain anything. Its all so quick and cold, fast and fleeting, sterile - it runs through you but leaves a path.

I think it was all so intertwined for this year - the highs were astronomical and the lows were underground. I was appalled and grateful in equal measure, I was found and lost all at once without resolve. Its like the world made the worst possible changes and my life made the best possible changes and I netted out to zero and confused and exhausted but grateful and weirded out.

Something we don’t talk about enough is the life left behind and the consequences of that emptiness - what do we fill it with? The new experience is full of questions, jarring events, slow realization and lots of uncertainty. Replacing my safety, community and sense of belonging with a bunch of questions and fast moving still new reality.

At the end of this year, I look at myself in awe. I never used to smile at myself in the mirror or tell myself anything positive in the mirror or even look at myself as admirable nor beautiful. Not beautiful like the beautiful of after I’ve done my makeup but the beautiful of I just woke up in the morning and had nothing to say to myself but you’re beautiful. To be honest, I don’t believe I think of beauty in such a linear way. In any case, the emotion I’m carrying around is exasperated gratitude and admiration. For the first time and because of the things I fought through and fought for, I look at myself in awe and gratitude. I understand the patting yourself on the back phrase a lot more. This year stripped me of everything and gave me myself. The start of the year took all the glossy shit I call my life, in a moment’s notice, tossed a ball in the air and said “fetch”, and boy did I fetch. I fetched my life.

Rebels, stay with me.. but more importantly stay with yourself. Happy end of year.

P.S: Thank you to Toyosi for that beautiful email reminding me of why I write and to write to my readers. I have actually been writing a lot but not posting. 2026, I will be publishing my first books BGG so stay tuned.

BGG unironically means By God’s Grace.